You Are Power

So we go through life with many happy times, many sad times. Some so painful we can't even understand the whys and the whos, the whats and the wheres. But we carry it regardless. We carry it in our minds and hearts. On our shoulders and in our backs. The emotional pain of life appears in the physical and we often see it as our body breaking, but rarely that our soul is trying to tell us something. Our higher self pushes these emotions through our body, so we can recognise and heal our emotional wounds.

What are emotional wounds well... I can’t speak for you but for me it came in the form of emotional and mental abuse. It came dressed up as love and perfection, with the promise to be everything I ever dreamt of, when in reality it was not any of those things.

Now this has happened to me through friendships, relationships and also through self. I’ll explain that last bit more clearly further on.

Friendship is a sacred bond we form with love and good intention, friendship knows no competition, only encouragement and love. But what happens when that friendship isn’t what it set out to be? What happens when that 'friend' isn’t actually your friend but rather your bully? We all know the phrase keep your friends close and your enemies closer right?

For years, three to be exact, my best friend was amazing. She was pretty, funny and very intelligent. I looked up to her strength, for she had had such a hard childhood, whereas I had it all (in her eyes), so instead of being happy that I never had to endure the hardships she had, she deeply resented me. I now know that this was a reflection of her. But as a teen you simply don’t see these things. She would talk about me behind my back, she would make rumours up about me, spreading them round the school like wildfire. It was only when (I know this is really bad) she gave me her phone to hold and I read her draft messages. Something in me told me I needed to. She had a whole album dedicated to poems about me, how ugly I was. How fat I was. How unfair it was that my parents loved me. To you reading this it may not sound like much. But to me it opened up a world of issues. I started looking in the mirror and seeing the things she wrote. I saw a fat ugly girl who had nothing to offer anyone, so my thoughts were why bother trying... I started to starve myself. I started to really hate who I was, but why? Because of her words.

Her words still ring in my mind to this day, and I battle with them all the time but you know what? She made me stronger. She made me see that friends aren’t always that, and we need to be mindful of the people we have around us.

Flash forward to 16, I met my soulmate. The truest person ever, and she captured my heart. She was and has always been my biggest fan and finally I realised what friendship was all about. It's about those moments of disbelief in yourself and that person cheering you on and boosting you, truly lifting you up to see the light. It's about those times of struggle and having someone to share the load. It's the inside jokes that make you laugh no matter where you are or where you go in life. It's about that intense connection between souls that fully understand each other... it is simply love!

Once we learn one lesson you can guarantee that the universe is in full swing to make you learn something new. Now this isn’t a bad thing for there are blessings to every lesson. We just have to step back, look out upon it, and regain our clarity. So what was my next lesson?... one many of us humans endure. The narcissistic relationship! The funny (for lack of a better word) thing about these relationships are, it’s not until we step back and have finally had enough that we realise we are even in them in the first place.

These relationships consist of mega mind manipulation, soul manipulation, and just outright brain washing. We get so caught up in the disbelief of all this that it becomes our main focus. We lose ourselves to keep this 'love' that we have been tricked into believing is love. It is NOT! It is nothing but illusion. And that right there is the most heart breaking bit. Because like I said it comes dressed up as perfection and everything we ever wanted. To only unfold into our worst nightmares. They sell us the dream and then sell us on, like we never meant anything to them.

Mine lasted again three years, this again isn’t uncommon in a narcissistic behaviour. They have patterns. It's not you it's them. I dreamt of the one, like every little girl does. I imagined my prince charming and the life we would have and at 22, boom there he was. He came riding in on his white horse to save me from the mess life had recently left me in (this is a different story and if you continue to follow me, I promise I’ll cover this life changing event). So in he came, the most funny and lovable character. But that’s exactly what he was, looking back it's like all he said or done had been scripted for him. He was the perfect man, father, and friend to the people around him. Within six months we were engaged, I know right how magical. I was in awe of him. He was my everything, I literally worshipped the ground this man walked on. Soon after our engagement I became pregnant. Yeah that’s right you guessed it, that’s when it all changed. He became distant, he was never around the house anymore. Made every excuse he could to leave at all hours of the day and night. I felt so vulnerable, those of you that have been pregnant will know that feeling. It's a time when you need to feel loved and worshipped, it's a time when security is really needed. I felt so lost and alone. Months passed and I’d had enough, suspecting he was having an affair I called him out. Of course I was crazy, I was stupid and I was being paranoid. Sound familiar?

We eventually split up for a short while before our son was born, I just couldn’t take it. I believed him. That I was paranoid, that I was being stupid but for whatever reason, at that particular time he had to go. Three days passed and I had constant abuse. He even told everyone that he wouldn’t be surprised if our son wasn’t his. He even placed a bet according to our friends. This man that claims to love me, had turned on me. Until I caved, I felt so guilty for nothing. Felt so low without him. I went to his house early one morning, I had a ultrasound that I originally told him I didn’t want him at. But again I felt guilty. That’s his son too, who am I to stop him?

Something inside me that day told me he was being unfaithful, as far as I was concerned we’d had a silly argument that caused me to kick him out. I didn’t think it would be the end, I just simply needed the breathing space.

So I arrived at his house, looking back he was acting so sketchy and suspicious. But I chose to ignore it at the time. But she was there! Hiding in a wardrobe, playing games on her phone like what she was doing was normal! Like what he had made her do was OK! To this day that still shocks me. The lack of self respect this girl had for herself, the sheer audacity they both had to hide it from me. I was there! How could they both do this? She had her own family, she had children. She was not only condoning what he was doing but she was tearing her family apart too. But of course, that’s none of my business right?

So off me and prince charming went, me still being none the wiser of this girl in the wardrobe. We 'fixed' our issues and the dream began again. Shortly after we had our son. My life was beautiful and perfect, so I thought... Wow how wrong was I?

The day finally came when the truth came out, because it's the truth. Truth is strong and it will scream until it's heard. Well this time I was listening, I heard it loud and clear. I had the evidence in front of me and he still had the cheek to scream at me for being paranoid. He packed his bags and said “well, if you don’t trust me I’m leaving”. Hello! How guilty can you get? Now ladies... maybe gentlemen too. If there’s anything I’ve learnt over the years, it's that the guilty run away and the innocent stand their ground even if it means standing alone. Innocent people will shout their truth until someone finally listens. A guilty person will start reflecting, they will tell you it was your fault. You drove them to it. In fact the only thing I was ever guilty of was giving this man parts of me. I loved him and I nurtured him. I gave him that power he felt he could control me with. So what happened when I took that power back for myself?

BANG! Shit storm alert. I can’t even recall most of the evil things and behaviour I experienced from him. The fear that ran through me night after night. Day after day. I had sexual threats and I had physical threats. I was being verbally abused daily, weekly, and even now if his day doesn’t go right, that’s my fault. Because I took back my power, it was my fault his life is the way that it is, when that isn’t true at all. His life is this way because his heart space is filled with hate and aggression. Instead of love and compassion. So what do we do then?

We send them forgiveness, we forgive ourselves and we hope for those lost souls. Well I do anyway. If I don’t do that, I carry that with me. Let’s be honest, it's not mine to carry, so I let go. Yes some day’s it still hurts that he could do that to me. In reality he did it to himself! He lost it all, for what?

People like that will never be content with life. They aren’t willing to go within and fix these reoccurring patterns. They won't learn from them like we do. They won't ever take responsibility for the pain they have caused others and in turn themselves. I feel sorry for these souls, I really do. Oh don’t get me wrong, they sure as hell are really good at dressing things up to look like they have made moves in these areas. But sadly as soon as they don’t get their own way, it's back to that epic shit storm. It's back to threatening behaviour, its back to being your fault. The thing is they only want what they want, and that’s the power over you they once had. Once you reinforce the fact it's not happening, game over they are back to the monster you knew all along.

This is where self emotional wounds came in. Again this person left me hating me. I went back to old habits of starving myself, making excuses and just torturing myself in general. Then came the self doubt and self pity. I couldn’t see the light anymore, if anything it was just getting darker. Then there she was my light and my biggest fan. She scooped me up and held me tight. She showed me the strength I was missing and my mind set flipped.

I am a warrior. I have been through the wars. I’ve witnessed other people's wars, and I’m here to tell you that if you think you can’t. You are wrong, you can. Cut them out and cut them off. It’s as simple as that! I realise we all have certain responsibilities and ties. But they are ours right? So why can’t we change the environment of them?

You have power! You are power! You can overcome anything if that’s what you really want to do. Don’t be scared to ask for help. Don’t be scared that you will be judged. What other people do and say has no reflection on you... it's them.

Take back your power and love yourself unconditionally. Give yourself that love you have always wanted. Take care of you first. It is not selfish to put your needs first. Listen to your body. Your thoughts are you and what you send out you really will receive. Believe in yourself, because if you don’t who will? Set the standard for your life with how you treat you. If someone treats you less than what you feel you deserve LEAVE! You don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything. If it doesn’t serve you or it depletes you, simply let it go.

Our emotional wounds will surface one way or the other. Please love yourself enough to not suppress it. Feel it all, let it all run out of you in whatever way it chooses to come. Please be strong enough to ask for help when you know you need it. Make sure you at least have that one friendship like mine, that will serve you to your highest power.

If like me, you find yourself and you’ve come through the dark and are sitting in the light. I ask that you go and you help those people like us. Be an umbrella for people to stand under and feel safe again. Guide them back toward that light. Show them what happens when the rainfall finally stops and all the clouds clear away.

Always remember you are power <3

#EmpowredByPain

23/9/18