You Push People Away

You feel the need to protect yourself. You're scared of what could become if you let yourself sink into a relationship. This could be a friend, a significant other, or even family. It's not that you even want them to leave; it's that you don't know what will happen if they stay. That's what horrifies you. It's unknown territory once it gets to a certain point. You curl yourself into this little ball and anyone who tries to come to help you up gets kicked or smacked away until they eventually disappear. Then it's dark.

That's when you pick yourself back up. You nurture your wounds and tell yourself that everything is going to be okay, and it will be. You will eventually heal from these wounds that you unknowingly self-inflicted. It won't even occur to you until they are gone that you pushed them to leave. What choice did they have? You can't keep pushing someone away and expect them to never get tired of fighting to stay.

So now you're alone again. It's just you. You feel safe. You feel like no matter what happens at least you have yourself and they should have fought harder to be there. You would never stop fighting for them. That's just not who you are.

No matter what someone does to you, you will always be there for them. They could kick you down a thousand times and you would still get back up and get kicked again. You already know the kick is coming but you just can't give up on them. It's just not who you are. You have unconditional love. They can't see that, though. That's a part of you no one ever seems to see.

I understand. I understand your constant need for reassurance, your constant want of love. You never really felt it like you should have. So now you crave it and the high it gives you is so amazing. The ups and downs are so addictive you don't know how to stop the cycle of love and heartbreak and love again. It's almost expected.

You try so hard to stop the cycle, though. The little things you do that people hate, the emotions they can't ever seem to understand. You hold it all in. You hold in yourself 'cause you don't think anyone will ever be able to love you for who you are. Then you just can't hold it in anymore and you're ripping at seams, then it just explodes.

Every emotion that you have tried to hide flows out like a dam breaking. You're washing over everything and drowning everyone in the mix. No one would be able to survive; it just happened. You thought you had it built right this time. It was never supposed to break again. The only thing you can do is sit back in horror as you watch everything fall apart.

That's always when they leave. Your emotional baggage is too hard to carry. The problems you have are too hard for them to help. They realize that they will never be able to love you enough and you will never be happy with them or anyone. That's when in a blink of an eye they walk out the door without looking back.

You never wanted them to leave. All you ever wanted was for them to stay. You just couldn't explain it and you didn't want to have to beg for them to see it. How does it even make sense you push them away but only want them to stay and fight? You don't chase them on their way out. You just sit there watching them leave, hoping and praying they turn around just one more time.