You're Breaking Your Own Heart

Have you ever loved someone that didn't love you back? Have you ever been so raw and open with the person, just to be thrown away like you mean nothing? I have. I can say that pain is truly one of the worst I have ever lived to experience!

It's going on almost three years now that I've been in love with someone who doesn't love me the way I love them. Each time I talk to them, my heart breaks a little more and I die a little more inside. He's one of my best friends, the one I can tell everything and anything to with no judgement. He's been my confidant and the one I trust the most with some of my deepest and darkest secrets. When I'm having a bad day, a good day, just anything that's going on in my life, he's the first one I want to tell. He's the one I want to talk to. It kills me daily, but yet I continue to do it.

I've been "in love" before, or so I thought. I'm truly starting to think that maybe I just thought I was in love in my past, because I honestly don't remember ever feeling this way towards anyone. I wake up and think of him, I go to sleep thinking about him, I wonder how his day is going or how it was. I will call or message him daily just to check in on him. He's truly the only one I think about.

So here's a little back story about this all. We had just started out as friends, as most things start. One day things started to get physical and sexual between us. We deemed our situation as a "friends with benefits" situation, and let it be. Throughout this all, he was casually dating around. Things were fine. Then one morning I woke up and realized I had fallen in love with my best friend. I was unsure how to really react to this new feeling towards him, because for so long it was just a great friendship full of excitement and lust.

I was kind of ashamed that I had let my emotions get the best of me, but I had to find a way to handle it before it got out of hand. I started being rude to him, trying to push him out of my life. Each time he would tell me he's not going anywhere, or he's here for me if I need him, and just lots of things along those lines. He still had no idea what was going through my head as to why I was being so horrible. I finally told him what was going through my head, what my heart was feeling, and of course, I got the "you're a great friend" speech. That had set me off. It hurt. I don't know what I was really expecting him to actually say, but I was angry and hurt.

I would go days, weeks, and even on occasion months without talking to him. He wouldn't contact me, so then I would get upset and feel lost and reach out to him. I'd tell him how I was done chasing him, done telling him how I felt since it meant nothing to him anyways. That never worked. I would end up within a sense, word vomit foolishly professing my love for him. I have never cared if he was in a relationship or not. Honestly, I still don't. I believe if you love someone, they deserve to know.

He moved away a year ago to be with a woman he was expecting a child with, and my whole world felt like it was falling apart, but I respected why he was moving and I tried to be happy for him. I wished him luck, but in the back of my mind was hoping it would fall apart and he would just move back home, closer to me. I know it's so selfish of me, and I feel horrible for being so selfish, but damn it, my heart can't help it.

He's now been gone a year, we still talk almost daily, and my feelings have honestly only grown. I just professed my love again, like an idiot. This time, I didn't hold much back. Of course I couldn't get everything that's in my heart to form into words, but I think he gets it. I have finally expressed things I couldn't get out. I have finally just laid it all out there. Do I feel stupid? You bet your ass I do! Do I regret it? Hell no! Everyday, I crave him more and more, not just in a sexual manner, but I crave his soul being close to mine again. I crave seeing him, spending time with him, being goofy and just the good times we would have. I crave his presence in general. His scent, his smile, his laugh, his voice, and those eyes of his that just burn so deep into my soul.

I know it's hopeless and rather crazy, but I just wish one day he would wake up and realize that the feelings are mutual. I just want to be the one who's soul matches completely with his. I want to be the reason he wakes up smiling, looking forward to the next adventure of life. I keep hoping and wishing that I could just be "the one" for him. He deserves to have that. He deserves to be happy and loved to the fullest. I just wish he wasn't so stubborn and would let me show him what kind of love he truly deserves.

Loving someone who doesn't love you back the way you love them, is so god awfully painful. I just hope it turns out to be worth it. I don't like dating people to fill this void. Everyone is just temporary and to pass the time it seems like. I just want him. He is my best friend. Don't they say you should be your lovers best friend?

I feel crazy. The way I feel when he isn't around makes me feel crazy enough, but when we get together, it's so mind blowing. My whole body feels weak, my mind turns to mush, my heart races, my vision blurs. It's like the world is spinning too fast to hold onto. The moment he touches me, even in just the simplest way, I get so weak, I'm honestly surprised I haven't collapsed. The way he makes me feel emotionally, physically, and mentally is so mesmerizing. I have never felt so alive in my life. Whenever he's around, it's like life is just so beautiful. I feel alive, even though I feel like my heart might come out of my chest from the skipping of beats. He just brings the life back into me when he's around. He's just the one I want and need, the absolute only one.

So loving someone who doesn't love you back is painful as hell, but I can't seem to let go of him, or the feelings he gives me both near and far. I will continue to be hopeful that one day we will be on the same page, but until then, I'm not going to waste my time filling a void that will never be filled by substitute people. I will continue to hope that one day I will be the woman he wants to be with and love, until then, I will focus on myself, my kids, and my writing.