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You've Got (E)mail!

Online Dating

I just got back from an online date and had to share it with you… I don’t even know where to start! I had had a lovely day and was looking forward to having a glass of wine and catching up on a few TV shows before having an early night. Before I knew it my phone was ringing. Without looking I answered it, figuring it would be a friend wanting to pop over for dinner or a drink, that was a mistake. It was someone who I had been talking to online and because I have been having issues with my internet connection (thanks NBN) we had exchanged numbers to make it easier. I had been feeling bad about sending one message every few days, especially after I saw a news segment about how “benching” is now a common thing and I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea. The messaging had been terrible the entire time we had spoken, imagine trying to read this entire post without any grammar and you’ll have rough idea of what it was like! Anyway I agreed to meet him at a local shopping centre for a coffee and that is where my “interesting” evening began.

5pm- Local Shopping Centre

I head to Gloria Jeans and wander in to purchase a coffee while I wait. We weren’t meeting until a little after 5pm. The website said that they were open until 6pm, so I figured it would give me enough time to decide if this was worth pursuing. I sounded like a good plan until a staff member informs me that they are closing, I apologise and head out the door (I’ve been there before my barista friends!) which the woman immediately slams shut behind me. I’m trying to think of a new location, assuming that it needs to be in the shopping centre because he was most likely already here and just parking his car. I remember that there is a Coffee Club and head all the way to the other end of the shopping centre (of course!). Luckily they are open so I order a pot of tea and wait…. and wait….. and wait! I have now finished the tea and have been chatting to a staff member that is trying to pack up the tables and chairs so she can close. Still no sign of him! That’s it I decree. I’m heading for the car and I’m out of here. Back home to my wine, sofa and TV! I should have never left! That will teach me to try to be social on a Saturday afternoon. I’m halfway through the centre when my phone buzzes with a text message. He is nearly here and was simply delayed. I’m already dressed and really couldn’t be bothered to go through the effort again, so I tell him that I’ll be waiting on one of those random sofas they have in shopping centres now. I continue to wait…. For another 10 minutes. For those of you keeping track we are now up to 5:40pm on the date clock. Once again I decree that’s enough sitting about and head for the car. I get to the elevator (as I had parked underground) and I hear my name. I’ve lived in the area for quite a while so it’s a regular occurrence for people to say hello. I turn and it’s my mystery date. We decide to head to another local area that would still be open. He makes a scene about us driving there together. I insist that I will drive myself and because I don’t want to seem rude, claim it is because I need to get dinner with a friend later on that evening.

6pm- Local bar

Now there are 2 pubs where we were headed, a fancy one on the beach and another that’s about a 10 minute walk up hill and isn’t the nicest establishment. Have a guess which one he starts hiking towards. While we hike he tells me all about the haircut that he got today and that is why he was late. He had racing stripes cut into a shaved side of his head. If you cut him in half you would take one side home to meet your parents, the other side wouldn’t be invited to the wedding. We are nearly halfway to the pub when he sees a friend of his and wanders off to chat with him for nearly 15 minutes. During this time I have a chat with a local tattoo shop owner who seemed like a lovely man. When my date finally walks back over he apologises for running over and having a chat, tattoo man tells him to wait until we have finished chatting, I have a chuckle to myself and keep walking up the hill. For the rest of the walk he tells me about all of the Facebook groups he is in… As I’m sure you can imagine this is riveting information.

Finally we get to the pub. Longest walk of my life and I once did a 5km uphill walk while it was raining in new trainers on this slippery, pebbly ground… Not my idea of a vacation! I grab us the only appropriate table in the pub. For some reason all of the tables ranged from 6 – 20 seats, all we needed was two and I didn’t want to take over half of the pub. He comes over with his beer and complains that it cost him $6-. I assumed from the way he was complaining that it must have been a common tap beer, but it turned out to be a boutique beer, so no wonder it was (as he put it) “bloody expensive!” It is at this point he asks me if I would like a drink. Seeing as all I want to do is leave, I turn down the offer. He puts his phone on the table and all it does is ring for the rest of the evening. He regularly checks it, which wouldn’t bother me, if he didn’t tell me it was all of the girls he is currently “dating” and that he was setting something up for later tonight. I’m just glad that we are on the same page about getting this date over as quickly as possible so I can be FREE! The wine, TV and sofa are calling me!!

It’s now time for 20 questions. All of which he asks me but before I can attempt to answer he cuts me off to talk about himself. If he had been interesting I could have written it off a first date jitters but it was just so boring hearing him be constantly condescending… He asked me about my car. Just so you know I drive a Suzuki Swift Sport in Champion Yellow, her name is Fiona and she is very hard to miss (makes Christmas shopping a breeze!). Back to his 20 questions, he says to me “Did your Dad pick out that car for you?” Because obviously as a female I am not capable of making decisions… He picks up that I’m not impressed and adds “It’s nice.” I’m going to shortlist a few of the questions for you and detail the more important ones. There’s no reason for you to have to relive the entire hellish experience.

  1. The car.
  2. Job- He is a bartender.
  3. Hobbies- All he cares about is motorbikes, this leads him to a 30 minute rant about when he fell of his motorbike and broke his hand.
  4. Family- His sister has the same name as me but spells it differently.
  5. Music- I liked the musician that was playing at the pub, he liked more as he put it “loud yelling, it’s how I feel on the inside”.
  6. Oh, then he asked me how air quotations work. He had been using them the entire night but didn’t use them correctly once. He would have used them 6 times in that sentence alone.
  7. How age is just a number and that he once dated a 16 year old (he was 22 at the time).
  8. His love of golf. He loves it more than “a monkey loves bananas” (Another quote).
  9. Because I did’t have a drink he asked me if I was in AA, I told him that I just wasn’t thirsty, he then asked me how many days I have been sober and what step I was up to.
  10. Do you like cooking? I don’t mind it, the cleaning up is always a hassle. Response- “But you’re a woman, isn’t that your job?” Queue a full body feminism twitch.

This is where it gets “interesting”. He asks me how I feel about drugs. I tell him that I’m neither here nor there on them but it’s not my thing. He screeches that he LOVES COCAINE! (Did you hear that at the back?!) And always carries a few grams on him at all times just in case. In case of what I don’t know… Then stands up and excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

Seeing as I wasn’t born yesterday I have a fairly good guess of why he went to the bathroom. He comes out and is wiping his car keys (for his hire car because of the motorbike accident, it was one of those flip keys… So many germs, you don’t know where that key has been) on his shirt. For the next 30 minutes he tells me that I am “so hot! So attractive!” on loop. To the point that other people in the pub started to stare. He then zones out, not to be heard from for quite some time.

He returns to planet Earth when he hears his phone ringing. For the next 20 minutes he shows me pictures of the girls that he is talking to. I tell him that it’s time for me to go, it’s nearly 8pm and I need to meet up with my friend for dinner. He wants to walk me back to my car, we trek back down the Himalayas. I wave to my new tattooist friend, he salutes. We get near the carpark and I speed up, wanting to get in the car and drive to freedom. It’s so close, I can taste it! I get in Fiona and lock the door. He knocks on the window. I lower it a smidgen. “Tomorrow I am meeting up with some friends at a local restaurant, you should come and meet them.” I tell him that I will let him know, I might have plans, could you please step away from the car now, I have to go… “Don’t I get a good night kiss?” All I need to say is I put the window up and sped away at the speed of sound. I met up with my friend all told her all about my night.

The next morning

That’s when the text messages begin… I didn’t respond to any of them.

“Hey good catch up yesterday was great. What do you think of me!”

“?”

That afternoon

“Hey change of plans tonight I’m going out to Gosford to met new people and catch up with a mate”

Again I don’t respond… Hopefully he will work it out soon! #Ghosting

“Have I done something wrong?” Now I’m starting to feel terrible, but trying to explain it to him would simply be too difficult or would lead to an argument. Let him work it out with the other girls that he is “dating’.

So that’s one internet date down. Let me know if you have ever had a similar experience, surely I can’t be the only one!

Until next time,

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