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I thought the pain of a breakup was unbearable. I can't even call it a breakup because I never dated officially.
It all ended before even starting. I didn't know what reciprocated love was. I only knew one-sided love. I only knew how to be used.
They had fun with me until the next step would have been commitment and of course, we never got there.
I was craving for it but little by little, I learned how to not depend too much on someone else's love.
It was a long journey full of doubts, uncertainties, and pain.
But after healing myself and learning about self-love, casually and surprisingly, I found the most precious person I could ever find.
It was instant attraction, understanding, interest, curiosity, greed, intensity, and it bloomed into love.
I found my person. I saw myself in him and he saw himself in me. We shared our stories, our pains and struggles and we could relate on everything. There was no judgment, just freedom. I never felt so free and relaxed and calm and at peace: I found my home my comfort.
I never thought it would be possible to meet someone who deeply cared about me, that made plans for our future together. It was so fascinating finding someone who loved me so immensely for the first time ever. We were each other’s family and home. I felt so understood.
Yet, on a day I never imagined coming, he passed away. Gone. The grief is real and almost tangible.
I spent days crying my eyes off, to the point they were swollen. I couldn't eat. My stomach refused to accept any sort of food. I lost weight and I lost strength.
I grew so much in the past few years I thought it was over. I thought it was time for me to win, to start step by step, little by little to create my, our life together.
Now I have to start all over again, for the fourth, fifth, sixth time.
I know this time I reached the bottom and I just want to lay here, without being strong for once, without having to go on.
I was a girlfriend for a couple weeks, I was a fiancée for a couple months, and I was a wife for 13 days. Now I will be widow for the rest of my life.
We didn't even have the chance to start yet.
They make it look easy on movies. After Jack's death in Titanic, the public didn't get to see how Rose spent her years, the grief and how she overcame it. The movie went straight ahead to when she was old and she passed as well.
Unfortunately enough, that's not how life goes. You can't skip anything and just live the good moments.
After a tragedy like this happens, it's inevitable you lose yourself. You made a life plan with that person, planning travels, marriage, house and family so of course, since all your plans are gone, you are lost.
That's the worst part—having to start again, making new plans, after you already experienced so much in life, and got up so many other times before, at only 22-years-old.
Looking at the pictures of my younger self, I feel so sorry for that little girl that knew nothing about how life would have turned out on her.
This is the end and the start of a new chapter. Only God knows what will happen but at least I can guarantee that there's not much that scares me at this point of my life.