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Ladies and gentlemen, I have been the center of some really ugly breakups.
I dated a narcissistic male model who dumped me because I was a size 2 and was therefore "too fat" for him. I've been ghosted by a guy I dated for five months, and have also been dumped for not making enough money to suit a guy's liking.
When these breakups happened, I was pretty devastated. All I ever want in life is a spouse and a nice little family of two—and each of these people made it seem like I was asking for too much there. However, as time passed, each one of them ended up showing me that the breakup was a blessing in disguise:
- The narcissist ended up cheating on my best friend and abusing her to the point that we all had to step in to make sure she'd stay alive. (She dumped him, by the way, and he's still unmarried at age 40.)
- Mr. Ghosty ended up resurfacing and asking me back after a girl poked holes in a condom. Now that he had kids, I was his type of girl. (I told him to kick rocks.)
- The golddigger guy remains unemployed, alone, and depressed.
Even though the breakups hurt terribly, I soon started to notice a pattern. Each relationship with these guys had warning signs in them that I chose to ignore. If you just got dumped, make no mistake about it. You should be looking for these signs that suggest your breakup was a blessing in disguise.
You've had to justify your feelings to your ex or regularly explain why he's wrong to treat you a certain way.
This was true for my most recent relationship.
This guy, for the life of him, couldn't understand how come it was not okay to make fun of the way I talk. He also couldn't understand why I was upset with him for backpedaling on promises of romance, or why I started to cry after he made me feel ugly and neglected.
If this sounds like gaslighting, it's because it was. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that tells the victim that their feelings are not valid, or that it's not normal to be treated with respect in a relationship.
For a short time, I honestly thought this guy was "the One." Obviously, I no longer feel that way—nor am I even the least bit attracted to him. He was good looking, sure, but the gym can't melt away a bad personality.
Though I generally tend to fall apart after a breakup, realizing that I never would have to deal with explaining to him why I was upset actually gave me a sense of relief. Had I stayed with him, I would have been miserable and probably would have become a shell of my former self.
He ghosted after a long period of time.
Though it may not be the nicest thing to do, modern dating allows for people to ghost if you're not serious or if you've been dating for a couple of months. It's the truth, even if it's an awful truth.
However, when you're getting close to the half-year mark or more, there are certain expectations that come with that timeframe. One of those things is that people won't vanish from your life without an explanation or telling you they will do so.
If you've been dating for a long period of time and he ghosts, your breakup was a blessing in disguise—even if it doesn't feel that way. It may hurt now, but think about what his actions tell you about his personality.
Ghosting on a long-term partner is a very cowardly, ugly way to break things off that show that your ex really wasn't capable of actually being in a relationship at all. The person you thought he was never was there; he's a spineless coward that's too selfish to date.
You never felt confident around him.
Narcissists are great at making you feel like you're not worthy of them, don't they? Think back when you first started dating. Did you feel confident around him back then? What changed?
If you think about it, you might notice that it was your ex's comments and behavior that may have made you feel less-than-deserving of love, affection, and commitment.
Things like little jabbing comments, refusing to answer your texts when they are angry at you, or even backpedaling on commitment are actions that make people feel insecure. If your ex made you feel this way, it's safe to assume your breakup was a blessing in disguise.
Believe it or not, you will notice your confidence coming back to you over the course of months. After a while, you'll look back at your relationship and realize you deserved way better.
If you were honest, you weren't actually into your ex at all.
By the end of the relationship, did you feel like wincing every time he touched you? Believe it or not, this is fairly common among couples. It can happen for a variety of reasons, including just growing apart or being coupled up together in the first place.
If the spark doesn't exist between the two of you, you should consider yourself lucky that you aren't with your ex anymore. Life is too long to be stuck with someone you're not into.
You really weren't done playing the field, but he was ready to lock you down.
Look. Far be it for me to be the one to say this, but if you are both in different stages of your life, your breakup was a blessing in disguise for at least one of you.
This is a great way to build lasting resentment between two awesome people. The person who wants to get married and run off into the sunset will get resentful because it's clear the person they want doesn't want to do that. The person who wants to play the field will get upset because they want to have their cake and eat it too.
You were in a "me too" relationship.
A surprising amount of people will couple up just because their friends are getting paired off as well. They may want to show that they have someone who loves them, or that they can reach the same milestones at the same pace, or a variety of other reasons.
That's what a "me too" relationship is. These are the relationships that you're in because you want to be able to say "Me too!" when someone says the words, "I'm married and it's great."
Did it feel like your relationship was done to prove a point? If so, you probably were in a "me too" relationship and chances are that the relationship itself was incredibly shallow. Heck, you might have even worked hard to make it seem like it was the best thing ever.
A "me too" relationship is not a good foundation for a happy, long-term relationship. So, yes, your breakup was a blessing in disguise.
When you two fought, it got very ugly.
Every couple bickers and fights once in a while, but there's fighting and then there's fighting. Regular couples will argue behind closed doors and won't resort to name-calling, emotional withholding, or similar tactics when they're dealing with issues in the relationship.
An unhealthy, or even abusive couple, though, will get ugly. If your partner would mock your feelings, hit you, call you names, humiliate you in public, or otherwise hurt you in an unacceptable way, you should be thanking your lucky stars that you're out of that relationship.
Those kinds of fights are strong indicators that your relationship has turned abusive. If you were to stay, you probably would have ended up in a far worse situation than you expected to be in.
You felt like the means to an end.
Though it's not ethical to do so, a lot of people will date others as a way to get their needs met. The reasons to date can range from wanting to have a baby, to getting bills paid, to something as simple as getting a wedding ring in a "me too" relationship.
The funny thing is that people who date others as a means to an end tend to ignore the partner once they get what they want. Most people aren't stupid, and become wise to the fact that they were used.
If you've been feeling used or taken advantage of, it's a pretty good sign that the breakup was a blessing in disguise. You can now pick up the pieces and find someone who actually cares.
You had a nagging feeling that your ex was hiding something from you, but you don't have proof of that.
Though others may beg to differ, I'm a firm believer in going with your gut instinct. If you have a weird vibe that your ex may be hiding something from you, chances are that you are probably right—and yes, that's my own personal experience talking, here.
This is doubly true if the breakup you just had didn't make much sense to you. However, you can't sit there and keep trying to uncover what your ex was hiding; it's just not a good use of time.
Nothing can stay hidden forever, especially not if it led to a breakup or if that weird vibe just won't go away. Eventually, you will find out the truth. When you do, you probably won't recognize your ex.
In the meanwhile, it's best to realize that your breakup was a blessing in disguise.
Trusted friends literally begged you to leave him.
Your friends usually will have your best interests in mind, so if they notice that your'e not being treated well, they will most likely say something! Make no mistake about it—if they are begging you to break up with him and stay broken up, the breakup was a blessing in disguise.
Heck, if they're even showing you this article, it's safe to say that your friends might have some serious concerns about the way your relationship is going.
Everything was always your fault and nothing you did ever seemed to be good enough.
A key sign of an abusive relationship is when the person you're dating blames you for everything. If they lash out at you, it's your fault because something happened at work and you triggered them. If they cheat on you, it's because you weren't good enough.
Sound familiar? If your partner did this to you, then you absolutely were being abused. In most cases, this behavior is also paired with situations that make you lose regardless of what you do.
If you feel like you were being set up to fail, chances are you were. That also means that the breakup was probably the biggest lifesaver you could have had.
Deep down inside, you know you're better off without him.
A lot of people who were in toxic relationships had a nagging feeling they should leave. After all, most people who see the signs that their healthy relationship is turning toxic see what's going on.
If you have been getting the feeling that your life is going to be better now that you two have split up, it's safe to say that you should be glad the relationship is done with. This is doubly true if you're actually happy he's out of the picture, or if you were considering breaking up with them.
Your ex's family was wrecking the relationship.
I'll say it once, and I'll say it again: the family of your partner matters. If a man cannot stand up to his family and demand that they respect you, then any breakup they caused was actually to your benefit.
Having been there with one ex I had, I can tell you that your breakup was a blessing in disguise.
When I was in this situation, I could never win my ex's family over. It got really ugly, with verbal beatdowns every day. Eventually, I realized his refusal to stand up for me showed that he was complicit in the abuse.
When I had enough and dumped him, they immediately got sweet and tried to salvage things. However, by that time, I had enough and no longer wanted to be their personal punching bag.
No one should feel punished for loving someone. If your ex's family made you feel this way and your ex did nothing to stop it, it's safe to say that you can find someone better... and less abusive, too.
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