Being Lonely Is an Art

I’ve always been surrounded by people. In high school, I made sure to use my advantage of knowing lots of people to secure my place in a large group of friends. I felt like I became almost like the nucleus of the group.

When I moved to college, I left behind this group that I considered to be my "best" friends. One of my biggest fears, like anyone else who moves out from under the safety blanket of high school, was if I was going to find friends. I was fortunate enough to take part in a four week summer programme that helped me make new contacts outside of my school. I started going to parties and hanging out with these people who quickly replaced my old circle. Although I was completely different from this new group; I didn’t smoke, hadn’t had sex, and had barely only kissed one person, I still felt comfortable around them. Most of them were going to the same college as me, so I started to relax, knowing I had a web of people I could depend upon.

I had never felt like I was an outsider or a "freak;" I never had trouble fitting in with people. But when I was placed in this new environment with new people, I found it difficult to find my place. Within a few weeks, I had become best friends with two girls who were "quirky," to say the least. We spent the year making each other laugh until we cried, and when one of them was moved down into another class, the other two of us supported her and tried to encourage her to finish the year.

After finishing my first year, I spent the whole summer with an impending doom looming over me. I had to start a new year with new people. My summer was filled with anxiety and depressive episodes. I had always treated this transition as "future Xena’s problem," but it was starting to catch up with me.

When I started the new year, I hardly spent any time in college. This hindered me in my efforts to make friends. This was the first time I had felt completely alone.

It’s a weird feeling; everyone around you is happy and surrounded by people, and you’re not. I always saw people who seemingly had no friends and to be perfectly honest, I pitied them. I always had so many people to follow me around that I never gave a second thought to what it felt like, apart from lonely. However, when I started this new year, I became the person no one wants to sit near. When I sat on tables, people would move away. If the teacher announced we had group work, I would run to the toilets with my heart in my throat. I wondered what it was that people disliked about me. I had never spoken a word to them. I didn’t sit and glare at anyone from across the room.

I still haven’t worked out why people seem to not like me. I assume they just don’t want to concern themselves with me, which I understand. So I’ve had to make do with my own company during classes and at lunch. Fortunately, because I am an art student, I can use the workshop during lunch. Spending three days a week alone doesn’t sound too bad in theory, but as I found out, it can be long. Spending that much time in your own head can seem daunting and not speaking a single word also seems quite scary, especially for a Sagittarius.

I’ve found that this time spent alone is quite peaceful. Working without any distraction or feeling the pressure to talk and join in conversation, in fear of looking moody or unsocial which, to be fair, I look like anyway, sitting on my own.

Over these past months, I’ve come to a revolutionary realisation: being alone isn’t something to be ashamed of! Sometimes, it’s not something wrong with you or them! You’re not a freak, even if they treat you like a disease! In theory, it’s easy to be around people. We were built to communicate and use other people to our advantage. And, in my opinion, being alone is an art that everyone should master. I don’t mean everyone become closed off and suspicious of anyone who glances their way, although it is easy to get into that state. People need to take time to just be quiet. Don’t feel pressure to constantly talk, and not feel pressure to fit in. If you don’t click with the people around you, it’s okay, because there are thousands of other people who you will click with.

BEING ALONE ISN'T SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF! IT'S AN ART!