First Love

Love. It changes you.

They say the longer time passes, the more the wounds heal, but that was not true for me. The pain may have faded slightly, but the scars still linger. They linger deep inside me and have never disappeared.

I wish every day I was stronger than I am, but I am not. I wished every day that I would find somebody to love me as much as I had loved you, and I never thought I would. But I did in the end, but it doesn’t come without its faults.

I struggle every day, fear constantly running through my head that he will leave, and it will be all my fault. But he promises he won’t. But you used to do that.

I remember meeting you. That laugh you had was contagious all around. I thought then and there that you were perfect, and I was dying to know more of you. I remember when it was time to go home and I had to say goodbye, and how I really didn’t want to have to say goodbye. It wasn’t long before I saw you again. And again, and again.

We soon became a couple and I thought that was the happiest I could be. Like any normal couple, we had our good times and our bad times. We both know now when we look back on our relationship that a lot of it failed because we listened too much to other people instead of each other.

I remember our first kiss, how magical I thought it was. It took place in an empty field where it was just you and me, and to me that was perfect. I didn’t want to share that moment or you with anyone.

I remember our first argument. How angry you got. How upset I got. I remember looking at you and seeing a whole different side to you that I never knew existed. But I loved you nonetheless. I remember rushing to say sorry even though I knew it wasn’t my fault.

I remember how you constantly used to tell me it was over and you were leaving me, and then hours later you would come back and say sorry, tell me you loved me and didn’t mean any of it. But the day you really ended it, I remember that.

That day, I felt like I died inside. It wasn’t like normal. Your tone was different, your facial expression was different. I knew before you even finished the sentence what you were going to say, and in that moment I just wished I could do something to fix it.

But I couldn’t fix it. There was nothing I could do. You told me you found someone else, someone who made it easier than I did.

Loving you was a sacrifice. I gave you the power to destroy me, and that’s exactly what you did. Left me broken and damaged on the bathroom floor.

I still love you. To this day I still love you, and I hate it. I hate that you have this power over me that I cannot seem to get rid of. I hate you, but it’s not the type of hate where I wish I never saw you again. It’s that type of hate where when I walk down the street, I hope I see you. It’s the type of hate where I hate you for what you've done but not for who you are.

I wish you came running back. That final day when I knew it was over, with every inch of me I wish you had just came back, kissed me, and told me everything was going to be okay,

... But you never did, and I don’t know how to live with that.

And to this day, I’ve never forgotten you. How I felt about you. Or how I felt in that moment.

Signed,

The girl you left broken