Five Traits of a Controlling/Abusive Person

He had bedroom eyes, thick, dark hair, and a smile that made my heart beat a little faster. I was at a vulnerable point in my life; recently divorced and fighting my parents for custody of my son, so it wasn't difficult for him to embed himself into my life.

He treated me like I was special, and I needed to feel that way after all I had gone through with the divorce, and was going through with my parents. I felt like I had found Mr. Perfect, right up until the moment he announced his old girlfriend was in town, and she was coming to the house for dinner, so I needed to make something special. That brings me to trait #1:

Trait #1: Lure the person in with kindness until you feel you have control of them.

This was definitely his method of operation. He flattered me, laughed with me, held me, and even brought me flowers until he knew he had a good hold on my emotions, and then the "training" began. By training, I mean that abusive people brainwash you by taking away the things you are entitled to as an adult person, so you are at their mercy.

He definitely felt he had a strong emotional hold over me, and that my desire to please him was so great that I would do anything to make him happy. The sad part of this is, I felt that way.

Trait #2: Take away the persons confidence and self-esteem.

I overcompensated emotionally by pretending I was fine with him inviting his old girlfriend to dinner without even asking me, or considering how I would feel. I sweated over the preparation of a fine meal, and sat there dying inside as he poured his attentions on her, talking to me only when he needed something or wanted to put me down.

That is how an abusive person begins to chip away at your self-confidence and self-esteem. They put you in situations that are degrading to you and make you think you should be okay with it, when in fact, there is no way in the world you are fine with it. If you should happen to make the mistake of saying something about how you feel, you might find out he or she is more than emotionally and verbally abusive, you might find out they are also physically abusive.

Trait #3: Take away friends and family.

He wouldn't allow me to contact my family, because he said they would interfere in our life. The only friends I had left were the people who I worked with, and the only reason I was allowed to work was because he wasn't working at the time. I only saw my co-workers at lunch, but always had to pretend I ate alone and didn't mingle if he asked.

Taking away your friends and family is a way of gaining total control over you, leaving nobody around to talk with except your controlling partner. If he catches you talking to another man, even if all you are doing is asking directions, he will most likely respond with jealous anger, insisting you never talk to people you don't know again, as though you were a child. Friends no longer want to come and visit you because he has a cool, quiet exterior while they are there that makes them feel uncomfortable, and he may even go so far as to ask them to leave (for no apparent reason). Family is pushed away in the same manner, and sometimes he will go so far as to tell you your family isn't welcome in "his" home.

Trait #4: Taking away your money and transportation.

As stated previously, I was not allowed to work, wasn't allowed to ride the bus or have a car, and never had any money of my own. When it was time to do the grocery shopping, he would give me one hundred dollars in cash, and when I got back from the store I had to show him the grocery receipt and give him the change so he could make sure I didn't take any of the money for myself.

The reason for taking away your money and transportation is to make sure you don't take off on your own or go see somebody else when he isn't around. No money for the bus and no car leaves you on foot, and hopefully, close enough to stores to walk. Just make sure he doesn't know you were out walking alone, because he will read into that and decide you have a boyfriend.

Trait #5: Tells you how to live your life.

I swear, he actually took me home to his mother and told her to teach me how to cook! Once he did that, he told me our menu would be exactly the same as his mother's, with the same items being served on the same nights every week.

Controlling, abusive people like things their way, and they aren't willing to bend to a compromise. They have taken away everything, from your family and friends, to your independence, and even your self-esteem. You are nothing more than a house mouse, living under the iron fist of somebody who wants to control you. Usually, they can't control their own lives, but insist on controlling others' lives.

In Retrospect

Looking back in retrospect, I don't know how I could have been so brainwashed. I remember he threw all my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash out of the shower and on the floor because he didn't want my things in with his. We would go out dancing, and he wouldn't dance with me, but would point out other ladies and mention how pretty they were, or how he should be with them.

When I finally managed to get away from him, I weighed one hundred and five pounds and I'm 5'7", so I was very thin from all the stress.

Watch for the signs before you get involved with someone, because it's a lot easier to walk away in the beginning then it is when you are deep into a relationship.