In this article, I decided that I need to do something different. I needed a subject that needed to be examined and thoroughly analyzed. I needed a subject that is so elusive that even the psychological FBI of the mental health world would have a tough time locating it. So, I decided that the subject that needed to be placed under the microscope today is...ME!
For starters, this is not a puff piece. I am not writing it to make myself look good or to brag at all. No, I am writing this to explain—maybe—why I do what I do. My life summary can be best seen as a balancing scale that is horribly unbalanced. On one side are all the good things in my life—parents, some family, and some friends. On the other side, which is sitting on the ground, a total opposite of the first side, are my enemies and bad experiences. Which one do you think will win out in this self-expose?
For starters, I will not bore you with my birth details. I was born in a hospital to a pair of very loving parents. They did their best with and for me. As a result, by their standards, they provided me with a nice upbringing. I could not agree more. They were great people. I had a brother and sister who, later in their lives, brought wonderful children into this life as well. I love them all. However, their existence did not jade me as other people did.
In my entire life, I can only count on at most 25 people who I consider to be a true friend. Like a boulder at a sea shore, when times got rough they never left me. It is this group who I love and protect at all costs. They always stayed by my side. They never ran away or hid. As a result, I only have nice things to say.
No, I need to explain how those who stabbed me in the back at times shaped my judgment. It is this group who has caused me to be a rather jaded individual. I have become a closed, private, and caustic individual. I don't like making friends because I don't need any more friends. People who want to be my friend would need to pass a very high standard. I'd put them through more trouble than a pledge during a fraternity Hell Night. And even then it would not be enough to satisfy me.
Yes, when you have been betrayed by so many, you don't wish to go through it again. There is always a desire to turn the tables on them. That is what I do. I don't care if their feelings are hurt. Did they care about mine when they were sticking their proverbial knife in my back? I think not. That is why I am always suspicious and very distrusting of outsiders to my circle. I am the one peeking through the blinds when you ring the doorbell except I will NEVER answer the door. I'd rather watch you ring and ring and ring until you go away in frustration. You may even come back. I will still watch you ring and ring and ring and ring. I take great pleasure in that.
Whatever you do, NEVER look at the smile on my face and confuse it for happiness at seeing someone. Sometimes (most times), I am happy to see them leave. It gives me great relief to watch some Judas walk away. I tend to celebrate. Some people may smile when they see a smiling face walking to them, but I smile more while I watch their behinds walk away from me. That is why my scale isn't properly balanced. I've had too many of these Judas-like individuals in my life. That is helping me to get my scale balanced. Even if you don't think that you are a Judas, you could not meet my standard for friendship. That is why I have a very small circle of friends. Only a few people on the planet are born with such qualities and I found them in my life.
I like the simple things in life. Riches don't impress me. Do I need money? Yes, I do have bills to pay like anyone else. Do I love money? No. Money is just an object. I am not materialistic. What use do I have of excess money? It serves me no other purpose in life. What is the use of having so much money? When you die, it doesn't go with you. It stays behind. So, why should I get attached to it? Sure, I will give money to those who are less fortunate than I am. That is what life is all about—helping others. But, for me to have tons of money, it is pointless.
I only have two goals in my life: retaining what I know and going out to learn what I don't know. Knowledge is more important to me. Yes, knowledge is power. The strongest and toughest people in the world are those who are the most knowledgeable. They can't be tricked or fooled by anyone. They are not a step or two ahead of others. They are usually MILES ahead of everyone. They never look back in a mirror. They don't need to because others are trying to follow them. I want to be that knowledgeable. That goes with you when you die. Unlike money, it cannot be willed to your next of kin.
Am I a nice guy? It depends on who you ask. If you ask my friends, yes. Yes, I am. If you ask those who don't know me, they will say no and BOTH parties are correct. To those who say no, I won't harm them. It is not my style. But, I will ignore them, giving them a very cold shoulder. I simply do not care about them. Out of sight, out of mind.
So, there you have it. That is ME in a nutshell. If you don't like my self-analysis, I really don't give two gumdrops. I will always be ME.