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When we were kids, life was difficult for both of us. Oddly enough, we both thought about death. Things going on in our lives were difficult for us to manage, and being teens just made it harder. A chance meeting and everything changed for us. I was working a summer job at the library, and he just moved there. Where I worked at and where he lived was within walking distance. He needed to use the computer and I was at the front desk to offer assistance.
He said that I looked like an angel and found it a little hard to approach me. I was one of those boring teens who just wanted to work and be around family. I could have done other things with my summer, but I’m forever grateful I chose to work at the library. Each day he would talk to me, sometimes just a few chosen words and other days he’d make me laugh. He tells me now that he didn’t think he could have a chance with me, but he was willing to try.
I didn’t focus on boys or having relationships. I was still pure at the time, and I kept coming across boys who wanted to take that. When he and I would talk here and there, I became interested in him. He seemed to have a good sense of humor, had a great smile, was so kind and didn’t come off as the other boys lusting. I gave him my time not knowing what was about to unfold. He asked me to be his in a quirky way; I wrote down yes/no, then yes and circled yes. I was unsure about a relationship because all of the boys I dated before were puppy dog crushes that didn’t last. I wasn’t sure what I wanted or what it would be like.
Trust me when I say I’m glad I took that leap of faith. All the dark clouds that hovered over us before the meeting had parted ways. We became each other’s sunshine and I was always smiling. There isn’t a good enough way to explain how amazing it felt to be with each other, like we literally became one. We spent as much time with each other as we could. We went to school together and he visited me at work. He was always working so hard to earn money to buy me flowers or gifts just to make me smile and to let me know I mattered. It didn’t have to be a holiday or a special occasion, just an ordinary day.
Months would go on and the attraction was there. Being teens, there is the curiosity, and us being pure it was natural to want and feel. The heat was always turned up when we kissed, and it would always start something but it never went further. His hugs are amazing because it’s my safe place of shelter; it’s where I know I’m wanted and loved, that I’m safe. He would always squeeze me tighter when we would have to leave each other.
That’s what I loved about him, and what we had he wasn’t another boy lusting; he was after the heart. He wanted my time, and I wanted him, and nothing else mattered more than spending time with each other. I was in a grade higher than him and left for a school trip. There was another girl who wanted him and I knew it. I thought she would dig her paws into him while I was on the trip and I was right. I wouldn’t listen to him about what happened because I was crushed. He was the only boy I gave so much of myself to, and there was the fact that we came so close to being each other’s first. I truly loved him and it fogged all my thinking and reasoning.
I broke it off with him, and as we grew up and went on with our lives, I never forgot about him. I unconsciously compared every guy I dated to him. I wanted what he and I had. Throughout time, nothing came close to what we shared. I’ve written about a bad relationship I got out of and because of the dissolution of that relationship, it brought him back into my life thirteen years later. He was in a relationship, engaged and a baby on the way. Time apart and me being so upset with him for so long, I just told him I was happy for him and the family he has. I wished him the very best and planned to disappear from his life again. He asked me not to leave him again and asked why we broke up. I explained it to him and he finally got to tell me what happened which was nothing. It was a misunderstanding on my part and I wouldn’t listen. Nothing happened because he truly loved me and didn’t want to ruin what we shared.
I felt like such an idiot for all the years of unhappiness for both of us and how we never found something to compare to the relationship we had. I truly hurt him more than I thought he hurt me, and to this day I can’t say sorry enough. I accepted that I got out of a bad relationship and that he was about to get married and start a family. I just wanted to be his friend and support him. Months passed on, and because his sister and I talk, she finds out I still love him, that I never stopped. His sister and I have been best friends for a long time, but she and I kept at a distance because of my relationship. It was great reconnecting with her. She said that I had to tell him how I truly felt. I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to mess anything up. After her relentless efforts for me to spill my guts, I finally told him. It felt good to get it out and to stop trying to hide it. I came to realize I could fight it all I wanted, but I never stopped loving him.
I told him it doesn’t change anything, and that he needs to move forward with his marriage and such. He agreed, and our friendship blossomed. Time moves on, and I’m working out my life trying to put it back together. He confides in me saying his relationship is suffering. I offer support and encourage resolution. Things were going on in his life that I felt were too much for him, and I decided that maybe I needed to step away. I didn’t want to add to anything. Then out of the blue, he drops a bombshell on me: that he broke it off with her. I prayed for him and her and questioned how she was doing. Ever since then I’ve offered support and prayer for both of them. I have been praying for my ex as well. We may love each other, but it doesn’t give enough reason to be with each other. So we are friends being there to offer support and a listening ear through these transitions in our lives. Everyone needs time to heal, and as I told him, I only want happiness for him, his ex and my ex. I don’t know when or how all this will be better for all involved, but I truly hope each person can find their happily ever after.
We came into each other’s lives as kids dealing with challenging stuff and became each other’s sunshine and made it all better. Here we are as adults dealing with challenging stuff and supporting each other. Life has a way of working things out and bringing those who are meant to be in our lives. It’s up to us to choose how to deal with our circumstances and live a great life. I use to be a shy teen who was afraid to express how I felt and afraid to take a chance. I spent nine years with someone who I’ll always love, but it wasn’t a good relationship, and I’ll never get that time back. I’m grateful I’m at a phase in my life in which I can express how I feel and let someone know how I truly feel about them.
Take the chance and just do it. You never know what will happen. I took the chance as a teen and it gave me something I’ll always cherish. It gave me something to look at and know what true love was when I thought what I had was true love, but really, it was just love masquerading as hurt and abuse.