Making Friends with Benefits Work

The concept of the nuclear family is a relatively new one, but it has taken roots in America in a way that is decidedly opposed to any other relationship dynamic. There has been a recent uptick in acceptance of polyamory, and other "nontraditional" relationship dynamics, which is good to see. However, I have noticed that the topic of friends with benefits is one of those things that most of us has done a time or two, but there really aren't many resources into making those types of arrangements sustainable, or as a replacement for our traditional sense of the relationship paradigm.

Here is a brief analogy that I use when discussing human relationships and why the idea of the nuclear family works for some and not others.

If you imagine your needs in a relationship as a table setting: You have a cup for water, a glass for wine, a dinner plate, salad plate, soup bowl, and presumably some silverware (assuming we all eat like Victorian aristocrats) laid out in front of us. We need all these things to be fulfilled. Then why do we have so many proverbs about the cup? "My cup runeth over." "Is the cup half empty or half full?" Imagine the cup as the things you need to be happy. Some of it's contents we get from ourselves, from outside, but we expect the majority of this water to come from our partner, which is bullshit for two important reasons.

First, expecting all of your happiness to come from one person is a lot of responsibility to put on a singular soul. Secondly, water is good, and water is life, without water we can't survive, but if happiness is the only thing we are focused on, and water is all we are consuming, we will still starve to death.

Pay attention to your wine glass, which is full of companionship. Nibble from the salad bowl, full of compassion. Sip your soup, a heady mix of herbs and love, necessary to keep you warm in the cold, and to soothe when stressed. Taste your entree, a heaping portion of humor, hand crafted in your heart, and big enough to share with your friends. Remember to use your silverware, also known as strength, connection, and will. Never forget to put the napkin in your lap either, that's sexual chemistry, and while often neglected, is so important. We need all of these things to be successful in our endeavors to connect with other people, but that does not necessarily mean we need them all from the same person.

That being said, so much of our dating is contingent upon strangers: Swipe right, click a little heart, send a message, chat, meet, fuck, repeat. How boring. Plus forging those connections is a lot of social energy that we are not all capable or willing to expend. So why are we going out into the world in an attempt to convince other people that we are worthy of love, and not looking to the people who already love us?

A List of "Pros" for Friends with Benefits

• You already love each other.
• You are already comfortable with each other.
• Farts are no big deal.
• Intimacy exists already.
• Physical intimacy doesn't have such a large barrier.
• Inside jokes.
• They already know your birthday, favorite song, favorite film, and how you take your coffee.
• Friend snuggles are the best.
• There's no expectation of co-dependency.
• They know how to cheer you up when you are having a terrible day.
• You can go home when you need some alone time.
• You can communicate more honestly.
• You can see other people as long as honest communication about that activity is maintained.
• You get to hangout with your friends more—and also make out with them.

A List of "Cons" for Friends with Benefits

• If things go south you could lose the friendship.
• It can be awkward when hanging out with groups of people.
• Strong feelings are not always shared by both parties.
• They know all your secrets already so fights can get ugly quickly.
• Farts are no big deal.
• If one or the other's life gets hectic, it is easy to feel neglected.
• If open, honest communication is not maintained jealousy becomes standard.

In conclusion, this is not for everyone. But if your relationship with your bestie is already amazing and mutual attraction is there, but you aren't ready or willing to commit to a traditional relationship, then try it out. Communicate honestly throughout and make sure that everyone is on the same page at all times, and enjoy the proverbial, and literal ride.