The Black Widow and The Angler Fish

I focus on the cracked paving stones as I walk in the mid-March darkness. The cold air lapping at my post shower face. I had decided today that I would turn my life around. Deleted dating apps, check. Focused on work, check. Positivity overboard, check. Even told my best friend about my new plan and my positivity. Obviously with her knowing me so well she came out with the comment ‘We’ll see how long that lasts before you’re back to it’ Thanks Joy. But to be fair she has dealt with me for the past three months and heard it a lot in that time. She’d put up with so much, I could see a wave of relief come over her face, because we would be moving in together in the next few months.

That comment played in my mind the entire walk, well as much as my erratic thoughts would let me. My mind spun back and thought of different scenarios and situations that had happened lately. It was dark and the pavement had that post snow glisten. It had snowed badly the week before, so it was the first time I had been able to go out comfortably without worrying about breaking my neck, the curse of being a clumsy oaf. I had done a half-hearted work out before my shower, the walk was purely coincidental. I convinced myself that if I get some wine it will help me sleep before my course the next day and the excuses followed telling myself it would help my creative juices to flow. These are the kind of lies I would tell myself to justify my reliance on alcohol. So, knowing I had pledged to lose some weight I decided to take a longer walk, not going to the shop I worked at, a 3 minute walk away but to the local super market 10 minutes away, and it would be away from judgmental eyes of my colleagues and staff. Big changes there. I then decided to walk further around the neighbourhood to now justify the wine I was about to purchase.

As I passed the statuesque students of Headingly, I couldn’t even lift my head, when I’m in this post anxiety depression I had the confidence of a slug. Like it would somewhat insult someone to look at me. There’s the odd times I could walk with confidence, head held high and feeling myself and the looks wouldn’t bother me. But today is not one of those days. I had just come out of the shower, frizzy hair and bright red cheeks. So putting on a hat and my glasses would 100% cover my face, well I’d make the best of a bad situation. I mean wine is clearly more important.

The walk didn’t help my anxiety in the slightest, I’d walk past places I had been before and it would trigger memories of times with my ex. The pub we went to where the bar maid made it obvious she was flirting with him despite my presence. The flickering standing heater outside a restaurant reminded me of the trip to Liverpool we’d taken before we moved into together. Even the church I had been confirmed at months before I met him, where I vowed id become a better and purer person. Jesus why does everything still have to remind me of him, it’s been almost 6 months.

I see a teenage boy walking in front of me, he was walking toe to heel, but skipping almost on his tip toes. That stupid bouncy walk that guys do. Why do they do that? See there I go again distracted by my random thoughts again.

How did I get to this point? How can someone become so screwed up that she can’t even get past a first date or a two week relationship? I knew exactly what had led me to this point in my life, but my past would be explained in details at a later date.

As randomly as my mind works, I start to think of what animal would represent me in this dating world. I compare myself to various animals before I find one that perfectly sums me up. I light up my third cigarette in a 10 minute period. My mam would kill me if she knew I’d been smoking for months, never mind the recent chain smoking. Getting through four to five 23 packs in a week.

I’d probably say I am two animals depending on the person and situation. I change my tactics and attack depending on my interest in the victim. Certain relationships and conquests, when I can see that they're vulnerable, soft almost, I would say I’m more like a black widow. Luring in the prey and when I’ve gotten what I want, tired of their existence, I would destroy them. It's more fool them if they stick around after the venom sets in, the poison will go to your heart eventually till you hate me. And if they still don’t try to leave I will make my web and devour them, finishing them with adultery, cold words or pushing them till they break. Some have been very persistent and tried to stay till I have had to take drastic actions, a lot I’m not proud of but some honestly don’t bother me to this day. I have hurt a lot of people and been so cold after. If I have and you deserved it I don’t feel guilty, if you haven’t deserved it I probably felt a flicker of remorse but I won’t have given it a slightest thought since. Harsh but true.

The second animal I needed to research the name as I’d only seen it in books or animal programmes. It may seem like another deceptive predator but in my head it was the metaphor I associated with it. An anglerfish, their sole purpose is to attract their prey with the beautiful light they dangle in front of their prey before closing their massive jaws around it and devouring it. Very deceptive and alluring. Anglerfish are known to live in the darkest depths of the ocean to hide their true intentions and lure the tastiest bait with their fishing rod like antenna. How does this sound different you ask? It’s the fact they lure in the best of their prey with the alluring bait before showing its hideous face and its true nature.

This correlates with how much I’ve been ghosted lately, my pictures clearly look deceptive from the amount I’ve been told I look different from my profile pictures, and how together, emotionally detached I am. My humour and provocative messages get them hooked then they spend a single night with me. No matter how much I try they see my face away from social media and filters that clearly make me look slimmer and more attractive. I never hide the fact that at this point I’m bigger than I look in pictures. I’ve never really asked guys why they’ve disappeared after time with me. The odd occasion I have my weight isn’t mentioned, but that is only in the circumstances I feel comfortable enough with the person. If I’ve slept with the person or went on the date with them once and they ghost me, I don’t bother. Why would you when you’re such a pro at it? I just assume I’m not good enough, too ugly, too fat, too fucked up, too easy. Get on with my life after days or weeks. Bonus of the sociopathic nature. It doesn’t take me long to get over someone, however it takes me a long time to get feelings.

The two animals also show my battle with my anxiety and sociopathic traits. On one hand I can be so hurt and emotional, then other times I can be so cold and switched off. As soon as someone starts acting in that repetitive nature I’ve distinguished as a fuckboy or ghosting technique, the feeling is gone. It's rare that a guy will continue on with the same effort and persistence as before he gets what he wants from me. From messaging and calling constantly to non-existent. I know the signs so well now I’m resilient.

So this week I have been recently ghosted. I was slightly upset for a day, started writing this and emotionally detached myself from them, now I feel nothing. Some sort of proudness almost. Like a sense of accomplishment. Before I started writing this chapter I deleted their numbers and messages, no back up in case I get that kind of drunk that I message them in a moment of weakness. That sometimes happens, feeling vulnerable and alone. I’ll respond to their messages and forgive their blasé ignorant behaviour that days before had somewhat bothered me.

I used to cry and blame myself, now it’s gotten to a point where I am saying ‘I brought this on myself being so stupid and naïve, I can’t be mad at them. I allowed the behaviour.’ Which I always do, at the sacrifice of my dignity and self-respect for the slightest bit of attention. It’s a joke, but I had a very sheltered childhood and adolescence, to the point I didn’t know how manipulating men/boys could be, getting myself into situations and the validation of being wanted from my low self-esteem circle I have been repeating for the past couple of years. The more this behaviour has happened the more I’ve let it happen thinking this is all I’m good for and what I deserve. Which I now realise isn’t true in the slightest. Hence the snap decision to nip it in the bud and respect myself more than to let this happen again. I’m getting pretty fucking sick of feeling like this every couple of months. Feeling low, seeking validation, getting somewhat attached then being royally screwed over after opening my legs on the first date. Believing the shit that the millennial guys spout.

When I got out the shower I was thinking about this book and my current situation, questioning whether or not I am the only vulnerable/idiotic/naïve doormat out there, allowing the same behaviour to happen every time because they believe the intentions of the guy they’ve been speaking to are true until after they’ve been came in and left on read with no contact till the fuckboy fancies his chances again, probably because no one else will have him. In the past I have just rushed in like ‘Hi its fine, I understand you’ve been busy.’

I aim pretty low, I’m not good looking in the slightest but I will never swipe right on someone who’s clearly out of my league, toned, chiselled, rich, active, yuppie pricks. It actually doesn’t attract me to them. I go for personality but I don’t like dating someone who is better looking than me. A lot of my females feel the same. Probably because we’ve all been deeply hurt by guys that have been because they think their better, they can cheat and we’ll stay, they think they can get away with murder.

I have been deeply damaged by these type of guys in the early days but I was actually dramatically better looking, a dancer and amateur model. I probably was good enough but my lack of confidence and will made me easy pickings for these Adonises. I’ve been cheated on by 90% of the guys I’ve been with. If that doesn’t say something I don’t know what does. It’s probably why I get so paranoid and jealous in relationships.

Now I am actually going to focus on myself, my weight, my mental health and family/friends. I’ve sacrificed too much of my time and energy on these menial pursuits of happiness, and where has it got me? A bad reputation? Weight gain? A decrease in my mental health? Ruined my personal relationships with people that matter? And a definite impact on my job performance. The pursuit of short term happiness isn’t worth the wasted 5 months I could have been sorting myself out emotionally, personally, mentally and workwise.