The Voice in the Middle of the Lines

So. I just started to listen to country music and I’m alone. Currently, I am doing laundry, frantically looking for a pocket knife. Hanging up pictures as an “I love you” motion. Soon to be on my way to go to the dry cleaners and tailors. After that looking into registering a business up in Laguna Hills. Am I okay? I started dating a 36 year old country fan, indecisive, Peter Pan type. Even weirder I never liked country, till him. I remember the first time he told me he loved me. The truth in his eyes and the lies on his lips. To say it as easily as I can read it. He looked into my soul and said “I’m never going to let this go. I’m never going to leave you.” Should have I known then? I wonder.

Just reading this first paragraph out loud to myself, I know one day I’m going to be an amazing wife. To an amazing man. He’ll be funny. He’ll be goofy and sexy in the same ways you were. He’ll grab my hair like you did, just to pull me in to kiss me because he can hardly look at me for another minute without doing so. He’ll dance around, before taking my hand and making the living room a dance floor. The love between us will be unbreakable. How I thought it would be with you.

It’s funny how I am sitting here on the couch smiling at my phone writing this. Probably should be looking for a job. Knowing I’ll be without you soon scares me. You were so motivating. You were so god damn amazing to say cliff notes version. I remember when I first said I loved you. Boy, did I mean it or what? I wonder if I’ll ever let you read these or if I’ll just keep them to myself. You probably don’t deserve them. I wonder if you remember everything as I did. Were you really there? Or was it someone else?

You’ve been acting different. You switched up on me again. Now you’re back to almost normal. It’s scaring me because I’m falling again. I refuse to drown this time around. You really light me up when you’re “my you”. The you I fell so extremely hard for. It’s crazy. Now I hear you on the phone talking to your best friend. Regarding me, and the break up you “didn’t put your foot down for” when I hear that, that’s when it hurts. I don’t need you to feel bad. I’ll make it with or without you. But yeah I wanted to fight for this alittle. Should I feel ashamed? I never like to talk about my feelings. Or anything going on in my life.

That’s why I’m writing this. To help me through this time with you. I would love one day to marry you and look back at this and just think “Wow, we really got through that hump.” Sometimes by the look in your eyes, the smell of your cologne, and the smile on your face I think it’s going to happen. Then other times, I see that other side of you. I think, how could I possibly lie to myself about this and think it could last? I don’t know if this is love. It feels like it on my end though. I just wish I knew truly how it felt on yours.

You did it the other night. You grabbed my hair the way I love. Pulled me in and kissed me. And it felt like you were back. How could you possibly not love me? Am I this out of touch? My intuition is always so on point. Nowadays I don’t know shit about shit. To say in the least. Didn’t go to college for longer than a year. Graduated to become an esthetician. Never became that esthetician. Am I an idiot? I’m still trying to figure me out right now and fuck. I don’t know me for shit. A girl that has never liked country gets a heartbreak from a man whom is 13 years older than her. Suddenly is into country. It’s crazy to think but I’m sitting here outside smoking a cigarette. You should be here. But you’re inside probably texting her. Is my intuition off there? It took me a day to really come to terms with everything. And you may think I’m stupid but I don’t miss a beat.

This is just so crazy to me. Writing? Who am I becoming other than my mother? Fabulous woman, I might mention. I’d only wish to be half of who she is. I don’t think I’ll ever get there though. But I’m hopeful. He sings and I love it. His voice. His touch. His “lust or love.” It drives me wild. It’s the type of love to me that will motivate me to be with or without him. Which is insane. I’ve never truly felt this before. Maybe that’s why I am so head over heels. As he would say “head over boots.” But would it be about me? I ask a lot of questions. Just things on my mind. I think that this whole time has just fucked my state of mind. A girl who hated school. Hated writing. Can now only go to write to be emotional. Jot down some feelings. And feel alright. I know I made an impact either way. Which I feel as I now say “checkmate” in my mind. As to mean, he will never forget me. Which I know could never possibly happen. Poor old Micheal Finagain. Haha. You just said that less then 60 seconds ago, in your one of your daily music making moments. Would you ever expect this to be pouring out of me on the sidelines though? Probably a little. But never to this extent for sure. I didn’t even know this about me until I read this shit. That’s why I’m titling this “who am I.” Who am I is the question of the year. The question of everyone’s lives. But 23 really took the life out of me.