The Way I Feel

I don't know anymore, about anything. To be honest I don't know which way is up or down, and which way is left or right. Truth be told I'm lost. You can say I'm like a sailor without a compass. I feel as useful as an airplane without any fuel. Ever since I lost her I don't know the purpose of my life. I can't feel joy, happiness, or get excited anymore. Now I'm just sad, down, and just... depressed. I thought about suicide but I wouldn't go through with it, because other people would be sad. I keep telling myself that "it will get better," but deep down I know that it won't get better... at least not without her. I hate feeling like this, I was ten years clean from cutting, ten years I'll never be able to get back. People keep asking me what's wrong, I don't really want to tell them, so I just tell them and myself "I'm fine," when really I feel more useful dead. I just feel like I'm nothing, like I never was anything and I never will be something. I know there is such thing as real love, but why does there have to be pain? Why do people have to play games with people's hearts? It makes me so sad that every time I put my heart into something, my heart always gets stepped on, spit on, hit, and shoved right back into my chest. Why can't I enjoy everything I used to love to do, like make songs, play video games, and hangout with friends. I can't find any happiness, maybe because I can't get her out of my head... or maybe there is something wrong with me. I don't want to do anything.

I've been down on my luck lately. I feel like I lost my soul, I mean I can't go to sleep without crying myself to sleep. I... I just need a break from love, from school, from work, from everything. I just need some time to myself, to just think and recollect my thoughts. I need help but I'm to afraid to ask for it. I feel like I'm alone, alone forever with nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. To hide from all the fake love games once and for all. You can take this how you want, just know this isn't my suicide note. I'm just saying how I feel, how I truly feel... I miss everything about her... from the way she acts to the way she talks to the way she walks. I miss everything, she was my whole world and life. She made me happy no matter what I went through, good or bad, thick and thin. But now I'm lucky if I get one word out of her... It feels like I'm talking to a wall thinking it will talk back to me. Why won't she at least tell me "hi" or "hey" or something; I would take anything. I never thought marriage would be in my future or even thought about it, but when I was with her I knew she was the one, that I wanted by my side when I die. I wish she was still with me. She was so cute, she didn't have to say or do anything, I thought she was my angel sent by God Himself. She was perfect in my eyes, on a scale of one to ten she'd be a billion at the minimum and infinity at the most. She knew me best, she could tell how I felt just through a text. I don't know if I did something wrong but if I did I want to fix it... because I love her to death. I don't care about anyone else anymore.

If I was the quarterback she'd be my cheerleader, I'd be her king and she would be my queen. But I guess that's not going to happen anymore. She was the best thing that ever happened to me... and I regret letting her go everyday. I don't know why I let her leave, maybe I was dumb but maybe I... Maybe I thought it would be okay, or that I was strong enough this time. I told her I would never leave her and I let her go, what is wrong with me. She keeps on coming into my head, even when what I'm doing has nothing to do with her. I was thinking I was ready to start dating again but I keep comparing them to her, and saying that they're not good enough. I miss her smart-ass comments every time I did something stupid. I miss how she said "nice going dumbass" and "well that was attractive." Now when I hear it I just cry. It's been five days since she left me and I still feel like crap. Like I have no meaning or any motivation to do anything. She was my happiness, my meaning, and my motivation to go do something. I don't want to let her go, I'm trying to hold on to her the best that I can. On one hand I hate LOVE but on the other hand I love LOVE. I have never been so broken before. I'm a sucker for love I would help people with Valentine's Day and do anything for love. But I hate it because I always get hurt in the end, when it comes to love that is... I still think about her, even when I'm not even trying to. I'm still confused about why it all happened, you know... why she left. I keep saying maybe if I did this or didn't do that, maybe, just maybe she would still be here, with me. Ideally wanted to be the one to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after, but this is reality, and it won't happen. I don't want to be the one that is hurt in the end. I don't like being hurt like this, being in pain and not knowing what I should do about this. I still feel like committing suicide would get rid of all this pain, but I won't do it because the people who care about me would be in pain. I don't think I am strong enough to mend my broken heart back together... let alone my emotions and all my problems. I want everything to go back to how it was... how it was before she broke it. After all I still think she is the one for me, but what do I know? I'm just a seventeen year old senior, after all I could be wrong or maybe, just maybe, I am right.

I am not gong down with out a fight. I want to stay as long as I can, as long as I can fight, as long as I can breathe, I won't back down. I think I might be ready for what is next. Every day my moods change I have no control over them anymore, I am starting to get my bearings back, and know where I'm going. I think because I now remember my way back, back to how I was before her. I know it's going to take a while because where I am now is about the same distance Hawaii is from New York. I traveled so far because I was on my way to my happy place... my personal heaven, you could say. That's where I go when I'm hurt, I mean really hurt emotionally that is. My moods are everywhere still, it's confusing, and I mean I know people are there for me to lean on, when I need them... but I'm always the one people lean on. I'm trying to stay as strong as possible but it's hard. It helped when I talked to her though. I know she is happy, and that's all that matters to me. I would rather have other people be happy, instead of me being happy. I know that makes me sound like a pessimist, but I get happy knowing I made others happy. You can say I wear masks, a lot of masks. But I put them on for others, so they feel better... and so I feel better. But what gets me the most is knowing that I will always be there for others but when I need someone, there is barely anyone I can lean on when I need a break. I'm starting to get tired and weary, I don't know what I'm asking for, maybe a break, but from what? That is the true question, maybe school, or work, or maybe love. I don't know I'm still a bit confused about what I'm doing.

I heard she found someone new... It hurts so much, just knowing I was that easy to replace, to forget, and to let go of. I still want to protect her from all the bad. I want to be her hero, her guardian. I want to keep her safe and warm before, through, and after the storm. But I can't do it anymore. I thought I was special, I thought I was fine but when I heard she found someone new. I started feeling like nothing mattered and nothing was there at all, while we were together. I wanted to be her Spider-Man and she would be my Mary Jane. But I guess some things aren't meant to be... I still need help clearing the path back to reality. But I cannot find anything but the blade in my hand, and it's covered in blood. I feel it calling for me to end it, but I don't want to listen to it anymore. I keep putting my mask on to find which one makes me feel better, but it seems like there are billions and I'm not even at the fifth mask yet. It gets harder every time I take one off, to try another one. I used to be fine swapping the masks but lately it has been getting harder and harder. I want to know how to be stronger mentally, physically, and emotionally. I still feel like I should just walk down some train tracks and just wait for a train. I'm happy one minute and depressed the next. The bottle can't hold my emotions anymore, it feels like it broke.

I don't understand the things I do anymore or why I do them. I don't want to be someone who is easy to replace, or someone that is easy to forget about. Because in the end I'm the one that gets hurt and has to pick up all of the pieces and mend them back together... I'm done, done with getting hurt, done with fixing every little problem, done with everything. I don't want my emotions anymore, they are out of control, and making me not fine. I'm heartbroken and searching for the one. People keep telling me "maybe she wasn't the one," or "maybe she wasn't ready to settle down." Just know I'm done, I tried it their way and it wasn't that effective, but neither was my way. Maybe there are better ways to help me deal with this but I don't care anymore. I want to be my happy, goofy self again. I miss the old me because the new me is way too depressing for me to deal with. I'm thinking about getting help from someone, but I don't want to be put in a hospital or go talk to a therapist. But I know I need help, some sort of help. I almost to the point where I would take help from anyone.

Why does there have to be so much pain? Why do people play with other people's emotions? Why can't there just be happiness, love, joy, and excitement? Why does there have to be sad and depressing emotions? I'm tired and I need rest, I need someone to help me carry all this weight. I've been trying my hardest, but it feels like I'm being used like a controller. I did my best but now you're adding too much weight on my shoulders. I feel like it would be better if I was getting crushed by a bolder, than dealing with all the pain I am going through right now. I don't know what I am saying, maybe I am asking for help, or caring for mercy. I don't know anymore what am I doing? I'm not even sure if I'm still hurt by the thought that I lost her. Like any other problem when it comes to people, it all started with a simple "Hello." I remember my friend introducing me to her. I barely left the house back then, it was lucky if I even left with my family to go to something like Cedar Point or the movies or out to eat. But after I met her I started becoming more social, I came out of my comfort zone. I started to express how I felt, whether it was deep down or not. I remember living but not really living if you know what I mean. I started to hang out with her brother just to be around her. Every day I was around her I was happy, maybe because she was happy or maybe because I enjoyed her company. All I know is I liked her but I didn't know if she liked me. I asked her out and she did not think that it was the right time or that she was ready.

So a couple days later she asked me out, and I said "yes." I treated her like she was my Queen, like how Jack treated Rose. I promised I wouldn't let her go as long as she didn't let me go. I spent around two to three hundred dollars on her Valentine's Day gifts, it took two days to give her everything. On her first day of work I gave her our first kiss. I was happy to be with her, but something's aren't meant to last. You can say I'm the romantic type, when really I just know how to treat the person I'm dating. I am a gentleman as I have been told multiple times. I would do anything for love as long as it is true love. I promised I would never leave you, but apparently that meant nothing to you. There will be no sunlight, there won't be any clear skies for me anymore. Because I lost a good woman like you, and let you walk out of my life. I thought someday I would watch our little girl go out with some troublesome guy like me and I would make sure he treated her right. But now all I do is reminisce over the past. But no more I'm drawing the line here, no more living in the past. I will make it through this. I don't need you anymore, I have decided to let go. Since you let go a long time ago. I thought that you were still holding onto me but apparently I was holding onto a dead root. I won't give up on you because you were a good chapter from my life. But every chapter can have a good ending, you just have to decide where to end it... and I am deciding to end the chapter, our chapter. I don't want to continue and have this chapter to end badly, so I decided to end it when I'm happy and feel better.

You probably don't care, but I can now listen to my music without shedding a tear, I have to thank everyone that has been there for me. From my friends, to my family, to people that cares about me. This is to the ones that cared enough to help me in my time of need, the ones that helped me move on. To the people that helped me move on, and helped me understand there are better people out there. There are no words that can describe how thankful, and happy you are there for me. You guys are not just my friends, or people I can lean on. You are not just family, you are people I can count on. You are so important to me, and there are no words that can describe how grateful I am that you are in my life. How you stayed up with me late at night when I thought that there was no other way, but to just end it all, you convinced me otherwise, and showed me another way. At times I thought nobody was ever there for me, I used to think I was alone and had no one that would help me. So I always tried to support myself, now I know there are people I can rely on to have my back, especially when I can't see any other way to do anything. I don't know how many times I can say it but thank you, thank you for everything.

I believe I am strong enough now, strong enough to handle this head-on. People say I'm better off without her but I didn't believe it but now I believe I am better off.

I'm sorry but this is not the end for me.

But the end for this chapter in my life.

The End!