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To the Friends I Lost

Where are you now?

They leave as fast as the wind blows through my hair.

Ever since I was a child I’ve always only been friends with the one girl in my class and that is who I stuck to. For a long period of my life that's how it was.

During my preschool years you were my favourite person at 8 in the morning. Standing in line for our assembly with your pig tails. We both just stuck to each other like glue and sometimes our teachers couldn't tell us apart. You were my first real friend, in life, in school, in anything. At least, my first friend that wasn't a cousin. I remember not talking to anyone else in class, but we were both nice to others. We found comfort in each other after our parents dropped us off every morning. We shared each others' lunches and always got stars next to our names on the classroom wall for sharing and being good kids. What a simple life it was, but then I moved away. We didn’t see each other until 15 years later and it was so crazy that I even found you — what a small world. It was insane to me that after actually looking for you for so long and not finding you I was actually about to see you. I was so nervous. You looked the same! And you said I did as well, but you were different; you started smoking cigarettes and I was just really shocked. I didn’t think anything of it, but you resembled my childhood and seeing that definitely broke me out of it. Out of you. This person I searched for, for years, was nothing like the girl I used to know.

Oh, my luck, you came as the most pretty and popular girl in school. And I was the DUFF (designated-ugly-fat-friend); the DUFF doesn’t actually have to be fat or ugly but is usually the most approachable friend in a group of girls. I was your sidekick, your go to, your resource for everything and your wing-woman. You made it super hard to be confident because being friends with you felt like I was never good enough, or pretty enough or talented enough. You did teach me a lot though, you were far more experienced than me, you knew how to talk to people and well you were super popular with boys. All through the years every boy I had a crush on would end up falling for you. I tried so hard to hide my jealousy but you knew I was hurt, but you never said anything. You made me feel inferior but that was mostly in my head. The teachers even referred to me as your friend, as if I didn't have a name. Those awkward preteen years were the worst, but honestly you made it fun. Our sleepovers and fun times we had were much better than the crap at school, but somehow the hurting is all I remember. When I met you again after years I was surprised at how much we'd changed; you became the quiet one and I was more outgoing. Time changes so many things.

These were the high school years, different town, different school. New found confidence! My hair grew out from the bob that my mother always made me do. Boobs were finally coming in, face wasn't chubby; basically, puberty did me well. As the new girl in class, I was afraid I wouldn't make friends that easily, but this was a small school and pretty much everyone was friends, and you guys all accepted me really quickly. Soon enough, it was the 4 girls: the "Mean Girls." We weren't even that mean, but sometimes we would cause stupid drama and stand there and laugh. (I know, I sound horrible). This is when I realized friendship isn't always real just because you see each other everyday. I know a couple of you bitched about me behind my back and even did whatever you could to make me look bad in front of boys and other classmates. Oh man, worst years of my life (thats a whole new post, to be continued). I still had one best friend I believed I could count on. But you were like the rest; you believed the bullshit people said about me and decided to treat me like they did. You were my first guy best friend, we got a long so well, I confided in you and you left me stranded. 

I moved from my old school and I was so lucky I met you at my new one. Your name literally means angel. You were the angel I needed to save me in my darkest hours. You taught me how to live life again, how to smile for real and not just fake it. You saved my life and I don't even think you know it. I wish I could tell you now but we're so far away. Not just by distance but in every aspect, we're miles away. We don't even know each other anymore. I did play a part in that for sure, I agree, and in this generation its harder to keep in touch with people that are not in your lives every single day. 

More moving, more friends changed; there wasn't anything solid or stable in my life. From school to school, country to country, I stopped even trying to get close to people. I felt I would lose whoever I came close to. I thought university would change that, I thought I had these friends for life. But throughout the years I lost more friends than I gained, I cut out toxicity and anchors. Everyone holding me back was finally out of my life. Regardless of the fun I had through freshmen year to senior year these friends were just passing by. People I learnt lessons from and people that were lessons on their own. I made friends that made me happy and friends that took advantage of me. So this I'll write for all of you that I lost. I'm glad we met. 

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