Why Didn't I Think of That Earlier?

There is little more frustrating than the inability to come up with a witty or off-the-cuff remark when insulted (either accidentally or on purpose). You freeze. Possibly stand still. If you’re anything like me the word "fuck" repeats over and over in your head in this really urgent loop. Sometimes I used walk away to only realise at a later point that I have little crescent moons embedded in my palms from having my fists so tightly balled. The funny thing is that maybe half an hour later it comes to you—the exact thing that would’ve been perfect to say. The exact thing that would’ve knocked that smug look right off their face, or if they’d inadvertently offended you, make them reconsider the fact that they obviously hadn’t thought of your feelings. You know you’re better than this, right? You’re better than them. This wasn’t you at your best and you go mad thinking about how you’d do things differently and you would be the one walking away high-fiving people and looking smugger (is that even a word?) than that sap Juliette Lewis.

That’s not to say that your retort would’ve made anything any better—it may have escalated the situation resulting in a hurtful tit-for-tat scenario, but the fantasy of what you would say or how you would’ve said it can play over in your mind. Even if all hell broke loose you’d still have that moment. Or maybe that’s just me.

Over the last few years I have become better at "snap-backs" possibly from being slagged a lot and being super sensitive—but also because I've been in situations, that potentially as a woman, could've been super dangerous, and at the very least made me really uncomfortable. Something I've learned over time in these situations (like being ganged up on by five big blokes at a bus stop and physically and verbally harassed) is to not give in to being afraid (well it's worked for me so far) by appearing that you don't give a shit and giving people shit in return (clearly whilst thinking about your nearest exit and subtly looking for a weapon). Perhaps, this is another story though so for now....

Here are some retorts that I have used for various scenarios. Feel free to use them anytime you feel like being more eloquent than using the regular "your ma" or "cunt" rebuttals. Deadpan delivery is essential for most of these—get emotional and you’ve lost.

"Is this why you don’t have any friends?"

A nice standard response for when someone takes the piss out of you but it’s too close to the bone. This works well when delivered with a semi-concerned face.

"Are you still talking? Sorry I stopped listening ages ago."

Useful when this person just isn’t going away and they’re being super annoying.

"Oh sorry, I was just thinking about what it’d be like to be with someone who didn’t prematurely ejaculate."

Used years ago when said person asked me if I was quiet because I was fatter than all the other girls in the pub. I may have been but that wasn’t the point.

"I’m glad you brought this up because to be honest although I’m having fun I was with someone a while ago who really got under my skin and I don’t think I’m up for much else, to be honest."

Good reply to the often insulting assumption that because you’re having the sex with someone that you’re becoming emotionally attached to them and as a result want to be their girlfriend. FOOL!

"Look, say what you want but I know you’re lonely and lack meaning and satisfaction in your life."

Give them a really patronising and sad look.

"I forgive you."

This works well when someone won't acknowledge that they have been a prick and are trying to push the blame onto you for something. In order for this to work effectively you need to walk away straight away and completely ignore whatever they say afterward—don't even make eye contact.

"That’s what your Dad said before I sucked him off " or (depending on what’s been said to you) "But I have my period."

Weirdly works in strange sexual harassment type situations and makes sleazy middle-aged men shut the fuck up. Women shouldn’t have to resort to this to get the upper hand but fuck it—it’s worth it.

"I may be [insert insult here] but you’ll always be a cunt."

Old reliable. Makes me laugh.

One time a girl I really didn’t like left the room and the minute she did I went on a rant about how much I disliked her. Anyway, she heard and came marching back in.

"Say what you just said about me again!" she shouted, expecting me to be lost for words.

So I did. Every single word. Completely deadpan right into her face.

When they are talking start rubbing your mouth. Interrupt them and tell them they have some shit on their mouth. Keep telling them that they haven’t got it until they realise that you are just being a dick.

Repeat everything they say back to them in a stupid voice. This is childish but hilarious. Keep doing it until they fuck off.

There are loads more that I have used but more are less sophisticated, depending on who I was dealing with. Certain people only needed the phrase "fat slapper" (which I would never use only that I knew this particular person would react very badly to it). What ensued was an unintelligible strong Dublin-accented rant to which I simply replied "I’m sorry you need to enunciate, I can’t understand you." I’m not a snob, but this girl was horrible and being very brave with her friend when I was alone. I mean despite all this bravado I had my keys between my fingers ready to claw her. Oh, Finglas… how I miss ya!

I don’t really have to so any of these nowadays and am a lot more relaxed, but I realised the other day that it’s not that it doesn’t happen anymore—it’s more that I just don’t bother fighting. I think you have to choose your battles wisely. Even dignifying people with responses, particularly when they are complete thicks, is just pointless. The other side of the coin is that this may be someone you have to deal with a lot. This is where it gets nasty. It builds up, particularly if there is a history of it between the two of you, and you may end up inadvertently becoming the crazy passive aggressive one, who never says exactly what they mean. I’m not talking about "feelings" here—I’m just talking about the fact that by not fighting the insults or unthinking nature of your "friend" you are enabling this behaviour to continue. Again, I’m not talking about stupid slaggings. I’m talking about that one person who can expose that nerve and play around with it. Like they know your weaknesses. The most hurtful slaggings are always kind of true (see statement above about premature ejaculation). And you can’t have anyone knowing your weaknesses. And that’s a fine balance. And I have no solutions for that one.

In fairness, I’d much rather have all my shit out in the open and try to be an open book, but you can’t. People are dicks and will exploit you. I think the key to dealing with any of these situations is never becoming emotional. Angry, upset, or fear are quite visible and ruin your good comebacks. Also, it means that they have won. I mean I know I’m a pretty competitive person that makes everything (AND I MEAN EVERYTHING) into a competition but one thing you can’t do is let the bastards win. Anyway, if all else fails a good dig in the face can work but remember to have the cold dead face of dolphin landing that blow.